The ‘Dredge Report

Let’s talk about Fun Things That Happen as You Age.  For example: adult-onset lactose intolerance!  Apparently it’s very common to develop this dread condition in your 20s and 30s, and yet this seems wholly unfair.  The universe gave me upwards of 25 years to develop an affection for the finest dairy-based goods in life: ice cream, milk, and cheeses ranging from the sharpest English cheddars to the runniest French Camemberts (True Story , until I went to college in Massachusetts, I never knew that cheddar cheese could be white instead of orange). And now, having developed that dairy-tooth, I’m coming to terms with giving up most of these beloved items.  I’m only slightly-heartened to find out that many others are in the same boat, with lactose intolerance rates being pretty high worldwide, depending on geography and race/ethnicity.

It’s a strange, lonely world, this one without lattés, milkshakes, pizza.  No more cereal with milk in the morning, which means no more cereal period, because I have a mental block about consuming cereal with soy or almond milk.  Actually, I have a mental block about consuming soy milk at all – I just can’t do it – though I do use almond milk in breakfast smoothies.  No more chocolate milk, a favorite childhood treat.  One of my favorite weekend breakfast treats is good cinnamon toast with a tall glass of milk: NO MORE!  No more provolone on my lunchtime sandwiches.  And have you noticed that at finer restaurants, virtually every dessert comes with a scoop of some fancily-flavored ice cream? WTFF is up with that?

Cheese is hit-or-miss, as you generally don’t sit down to consume a large pile of cheese all on its own.  Very small amounts seem to be okay, so I’m trying to limit myself to tiny quantities of the good stuff from Oregon and abroad.

Luckily, plain yogurt seems to be okay, since it’s low in lactose to begin with and comes with billions of delicious bacteria to counteract it.  [*Sidebar, you should all be taking probiotics. In a couple of years, government panels are going to be recommending that people pop these things like candy, as research is building that they’re good for you on a number of fronts].

So I’ve entered this new world of calcium supplements and actually thinking about the ingredients in things before I consume them. It’s weird and I don’t appreciate having to do it. But I do feel much better.  That said, if I ever find out I’m gluten-intolerant (I don’t think I am, happily), I expect to have a full-on nervous breakdown about having to give up bread.